Weekday Blues

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It’s so appropriate – and it’s exactly how I feel.

I know that I am strong, and I know that I am capable of getting through anything and everything, however, I am tired.  I am tired of fighting.  Fighting for people, Fighting for Me and I’m tired of just existing.

For once I would really like someone to fight for me.  To be my pillar, to just make me feel less alone.  And yes, I totally understand that you shouldn’t rely on other people to make you feel happy/full or whatever – but it would be nice to just have someone around who actually has your best interests at heart without any conditions.

But anyway.

My dog Roxy is still in hospital, and she will hopefully come home tomorrow.

We are however still waiting for the results of the biopsy, and once we get those back, we will then decide if another surgery will be required.

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This Week Can Suck It

This week can honestly suck it.

Let me say that I am that crazy dog lady.  My dogs are my children, as I don’t see myself having human children, so I treat my dogs like my children.

My one dog Roxy has been suffering from re-flux for a while, and the past maybe two weeks she started to vomit.  This past Saturday, the vomiting just seemed to get a bit worse, so off to the vet we went, thereafter with medicine in hand.

Sunday, she wasn’t bad, and then Monday arrived and she was so sick.  I haven’t cleaned up so much vomit in my life.  So I phoned the vet and he said, well give it another 24 hours, needless to say, 8am on Tuesday morning we were at the vet, and they subsequently booked her into hospital. They’ve run bloods, done xrays and done an ultrasound and they didn’t pick anything up.  The vet phoned me this morning saying that she’s still throwing up and the next option is surgery.  So they’re operating on her today between 10:00 – 12:00 – and I’m sad.  Roxy is incredibly special to me, she came into my life at a dark time.

Then to add insult to injury Mr Man decided to offload on me on Monday to tell me how disappointed he is in me that I didn’t surprise him by showing up to his house to celebrate his new job… and then on Tuesday he tells me he’s going on a blind date – this after his tirade.  I said he should cancel as he said he wasn’t up for it – and his response was “it’s too late to cancel” which I thought was so incredibly hypocritical as he cancels last minute on me ALL the time…… and want to know what makes me feel worse, and even more pathetic than I feel?? When the vet phoned me this morning and I started crying, I wanted to phone him.

How many more times does this Man have to hurt me before I wake the hell up and cut him off for good??

So self-respecting woman would put up with this crap.

SUNSHINE BLOGGER AWARD

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I was REALLY surprised when I saw my name at the bottom of Mauri’s beautiful blog post, so I would like to thank her for nominating me!

Being a bit of a techno-phobe and moron, and being very new to the WordPress way of blogging – I may have panic’d a bit about how to do everything the rules stated 🙂

But luckily….. I’m up for the challenge

QUESTIONS TO ME:

Why did you start blogging?

I actually used to have a blog many, many moons ago, but just stopped writing.  I started this blog about two weeks or so ago because I felt I needed an outlet for some of the craziness in my head, and feeling like I haven’t got any of my sh!t together.  I thought that by starting to write again, I could beat my demons, express how I feel, and try and get a little of me back and keep me from going into the dark and connecting with people who feel the same as I do and even explore with those who don’t.

What is your favorite scent?

Ooooh, so I love the smell of the first rains, as well as freshly cut grass and cut watermelon.  There is also nothing nicer than the smell of a braai (bbq for those not living in South Africa). I must admit I’m a fan of Hugo Boss (the dark blue bottle) on a man

What’s the most ridiculous thing you’ve purchased?

Wow, the most ridiculous thing I’ve purchased…. I had a bit of a shopping addiction a while ago (what with the instant gratification and all that) and would often just spend money on anything and everything.  I can’t say that I’ve purchased anything completely ridiculous….. I am a bit obsessed with Boston Terriers, so I did buy a pair of white sneakers, and had them painted with Bosties – they aren’t ridiculous – just fabulous!

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What makes you the happiest?

Now this is a bit of a loaded question.  I’m in the process of finding my happiness, but I can honestly say that my dogs make me happy.  They give unwavering love and support and they make me laugh. They don’t care whether I’m in the dark or in the light, and they don’t care if I’m in a good mood or bad, they’re just there.

I really enjoy colouring (yes, I’m an adult), and I love making people feel special on their birthdays…. I’m super fussy about birthday’s and believe everyone deserves to have the best day

Where do you see yourself in 5-10 years?

I’d honestly like to be happy.  I want to have a life where I am loved, and can love back.  I would like to own my own home, and have traveled the world a bit and made amazing and beautiful memories.

What is your favorite song or favorite artist? (the inner music geek in me decided to reuse the question that was given to me :P)

I have insanely eclectic taste, so I can go from rock to RnB without batting an eye.  I am REALLY enjoying Alessia Cara at the moment. especially her song Scars to your Beautiful 

How do you like to spend a day off?

I’m such a lazy person (even though I hate to admit it), and an ever bigger couch potato (again, something I want to change), so I really enjoy watching tv, and I enjoy taking my dogs to the local off-leash dog park where we get out into nature, and just exist in the moment.  I do love theatre and live shows too

What will finally “break the Internet”? (if it’s not already broken)

This question for the techno-phobe/moron :)P

I think humans are.  I think some very clever internet-knowing person is going to push a magic button and make the internet just stop which will force us as human beings to be just that… human beings who will need to start interacting face to face and not sit behind a screen in the fear of rejection

What is your favorite time of the day and why?

I’m a morning person, so I’d have to say that time just before sunrise, where everything seems to get really quiet, and then slowly the sky fills with colour, and then things come to life.

Is there any trivia you know that is interesting, yet also useless?

My mind has a plethora amount of useless information….. but it very seldom works on demand.

oh, so everyone knows how slow and lazy a sloth is right?  So their mating ritual is anything but….. from foreplay to well, the end of the deed, takes a whopping 5 seconds!!!

What do you want to be remembered by?

I think my unwavering love and loyalty even though it seems to be more of a negative personality trait at the moment, but it’s who I am in my soul.

 

I’m supposed to nominate people now – but unfortunately I haven’t spent enough time here to be able to nominate people – so at least I now have a goal, to go through and discover more blogs 🙂

Breaking Your Own Heart

Today I broke my own heart.

I’ve been in an on/off relationship with the same person for 8 years.

And there just isn’t enough energy in my body to regurgitate all the messed up shit that happened between us.  Because of him, because of me, and because of other people.

Despite all the pain he has caused me, and the amount of times he has broken my heart, I still love and care for him with every broken piece of my heart.

We split in February (his call, after his feelings for me changed in less than two weeks) and I cut all ties and communication with him.  He was angry as all hell when I did this.

We’re talking now, but again, only on his terms and the conversations are always work related, or very light and nothing serious.

Today, I broke my heart because, today, for some reason I took the bold step and signed up for Speed Dating.  As I registered and paid for the event (happening at the end of the month) I was filled with such sadness and anger, that I could barely see through the tears in my eyes.  I am not ready for the dating world, but if I don’t get out there, I never will… because this man has a piece of my heart.

Signing up for this Speed Dating event is such a big step.  I have a million and one emotions flowing through my veins, and my brain is going a million miles an hour… but I know I’m sad.

But, at some point, I need to put myself out there because I have so much love to give., and I want to believe that I am worthy of receiving love back.  Unconditional love… The type of love I give so freely to those around me.

This heart, is however, still breaking.

Sensitive Female Content

Happy Sunday Everyone!

Today I want to chat about the one thing that sends shivers down everyone’s spines – even though more than half the human population experiences it on a monthly basis – and yet it’s such a taboo subject.

Ladies…. our period. The dreaded curse. The red river. Or whichever adjective you wish to call it.

Now I’ve had a bit of a love/hate relationship with my period for years. The beginning few years were a battle to deal with this thing that happened. A few years after that, I got the hang of it, and I never experienced any of the usual things you heard….my moods didn’t change, I didn’t have any pain. In fact, when it was that time of the month I was always in a great mood.

Now fast forward a few more years (ok, a lot of years) and let me tell you something…. how I wish for those happy period days to come whisking back.

I’ve made a conscious effort the past few months to monitor my moods…. And here’s what I noticed.

My period makes me CRAZY. And I’m not talking normal run of the mill moodiness, I mean BAT SHIT CRAZY. I get depressed, like super dark and low. I over think, I tend to get completely out of hand and I do a lot of irrational things (thanks to the over thinking). I will lose my shit,break up with people,cry, complain non stop and it honestly feels like I’m losing my mind.

I decided to turn to Dr Google (as we always do, as I don’t have a strong female in my life and my mom passed away after my first period started when I was young), and Dr Google spat out PMDD: Premenstrual dysphoric disorder and it’s described as A severe, sometimes disabling extension of premenstrual syndrome.

Now I’d like to ask the female bloggasphere if you’ve experienced anything like this? Thoughts? Advice?

Silent Saturday

A happy Saturday to you all!

I’m at the local dog park after having done a Parkrun, because I just don’t want to be at home. The need to be out is pretty strong today.

I work from home, and generally don’t come into contact with people and I’ve been such a hermit. In fact, today is the first time I’ve left my house since Tuesday. It’s a bit of a weird feeling and a contradicting one at that, because as much as I don’t want to be at home and out and about, I want to stay at home.

My running buddy is sick so we haven’t been out this week, and I’ve realised how much I crave and need human interaction…. yet not wanting to waste my energy on those who suck it dry.

So how do you combat that contradicting feeling?

Flutterings of My Mind

Well, Hellooooo everyone, and happy Thursday to you all!

Firstly…… I’ve been trying to change my profile picture, and it just isn’t cooperating – is there a weird trick that I’m not aware of, or is it just one of those days where technology is just like “HA!!! Not today you puny human!”

I’ve been pretty up for the past almost two weeks now, and given that I haven’t been out and about or even got much exercise in, is somewhat awesome, and I’m loving this almost normal feeling….. this not really caring but caring feeling.

Could this mean that I’m finally growing up and starting to feel comfortable in my own skin and who I am? That I don’t feel the need to make nice with people who (let’s face it) don’t seem to do my soul much good?? And I don’t mean that in a mean or horrible way.

I have an extremely TINY circle of friends, but I do find that sometimes, they aren’t what my soul needs.  I appreciate all that they are, and they still mean the world to me, but I don’t have the need to reach out to those who I know won’t fulfill my soul.

It’s such a strange thing to admit, because there are times when I am lonely and I do want my friends around, but I am finding myself asking if I’ll feel better or worse.  And this is because, as I’ve mentioned before, I’ve made some questionable choices in life, and they don’t agree or can’t understand, so the judgement is REAL – and to be honest – I don’t have time for that.  This is me, in all my messed up, confused, lovable glorious self!

I’ve also been feeling rather good lately, and by good, I mean attractive (as I type this, in my tracksuit pants, hair not done, no make-up and ultimate comfy clothes mode), I feel sexy, I feel confident.   Nothing has changed, I haven’t lost or gained weight, I haven’t all of a sudden developed beautifully thick and luscious hair, or have a new glow to my skin – its non of that.  I just feel somehow empowered, beautiful, comfortable.

 

Surprisingly Normal

I bet that title got your attention.

As weeks go, I would say, this week has been a good week. The mood has decided it shall play nice every now and then and it has gifted me a week of what I would clasify as normal.

No bouts of really bad downers and living in my head and this in itself has just given me hope that there is light at the end of the tunnel – and it’s not a freight train!

I can only attribute this to the increased movement and having someone who I can walk with and obtain goals with. I’m actually starting (I can’t believe I’m about to say this) to enjoy the exercise, and I’m finding myself looking for races (aka fun runs) to do.

Now you need to understand, I’m really lazy and extremely bad at keeping to things I tell myself I would do or accomplish. It’s a vicious cycle of mental health issues. Where you want to achieve and all that, but you’re a failure, so why bother to continue….. well…. I am now trying to get rid of that mindset.

I’m feeling good, positive and almost renewed….

Sunday serenity

A beautiful Sunday hello!

I have to admit, it was a rather unproductive Sunday, and I feel pretty good.

I did a few loads of laundry, and took my car for a much needed wash.

I also finished a book I’ve been meaning to finish for about a month now.

However, before the book was finished, myself and my beautiful Roxy had a nap on the couch.

This little face always makes me smile.

I’m planning on going for a bit of a run/walk tomorrow morning 6am, in order to set a positive tone for the week ahead.

My wish for everyone tonight, is many an awesome dream and a great nights rest!

A walk in the park

My attempt at doing a continuous post today failed…. so we shall just add an additional post.

It’s early Saturday afternoon as I type this, and so far I feel accomplished today.

I completed Parkrun with only a few expletives leaving my mouth as my very unfit self was screaming and shouting with every step… but I did it and it felt awesome.

I’m now at a dedicated dog park and I think I love this place just as much as my dogs do.

You see, I’m a dog person. I am ruled by three and I do the occasional volunteering for two rescue organisations. But right now, right this minute, I am happy and content.

I mean with surroundings like this, how can you not just be content?